A First Step Back or Forward

To start, I am not sure if I am writing this blog for people to really read, or just for my own peace of mind. I came to a realization today, when I got angry at the bow on my bra, that I have started to feel trapped in my life. This claustrophobia has led to overly angry reactions to absurd things. Here is the background to how I got to this point:

Over a year ago, I made the switch from social work to finance. This was just as surprising to me as it sounds. I had been a Women Studies and English major undergrad and spent close to 10 hours a week throughout college volunteering inside prisons and as a sexual assault/ domestic violence counselor at a SAFEhouse. I thought social work was my calling. It might have been; however, I found out bureaucracy was not. This job became available, and I took it. I didn't think I would be here this long, but I like the company and my freedom within it, so it looks like I am staying.

The caveat to liking this job is I also feel continually silenced (mostly, scarily, by my own doing). I work with Traders all day long. Traders are a special breed-- mostly male, mostly inflated egos, and generally very politically conservative. Feminism is as foreign to them as poverty. Being called "Hot Stuff" and having hands put on the not-really-small-of-my-back-anymore spot is pretty common. However, this is by men that manage billions of dollars, and our little start up cannot afford a bad reputation (traders also gossip like teenage mean girls), so I keep my mouth shut, not because my boss asked me to, but because I care about my company.

Compound these occurrences with the current War on Women in our government (and yes, this may sound harsh, but it is truly a war) my anger has been spilling out to a point that I want to rant about a bow on a bra.

To explain that rant, I have a large chest, and all bras, no matter what you try to do, in my size they look like they were made for grandma. So why put a bow there? Clearly, I am buying a full support, full coverage bra. Do I want a man to see this at all, or if they do, do I want them thinking, "cute bow" (because that's what I am sure he is thinking if he sees my bra)? Or do bra designers put that bow on there for me, so I can feel more girly when I have to strap on some wires to my chest to go outside into public (a whole separate blog post there)? Because, trust me, those wires are reminder enough that I am a girl. Stop trying to make me girly and make me feel sexy at all times. Sometimes I want utility, comfort, and to be able to bend over without a nipple popping out. That is it.

However, I have decided to not post that rant on facebook for quick relief and instead take a few minutes out of my day to do something productive, whether just for me or other people. So here it is, this blog. I am a feminist in finance trying to get back to my roots and bring them into this new life.